Ever since I was a child, I knew I wanted to be a mother. I definitely never planned to start as young as I did, but life happens. I would never go back and change anything, right or wrong that I have done. My past is what has made me as strong and confident as I feel today.
When it came to labor with Joseph, I never expected to have a c-section. I feel as though I were just so young and naïve about the birthing process and how much control and say so that I actually had. So things happened the way they did. Then we got pregnant with the girls. They were also delivered by c-section. Yet again, I had not educated myself. You know how many people successfully deliver twins vbac?! Or deliver a singleton after a c-section?! The numbers are astounding! Until recently, where doctor’s decide it’s their go-to so they can get back home to their ever coveted ball games on dvr.
Three or four years ago, Jonathan and I discussed having another child. We both agreed that we’d love to have one more and had even started buying things. We purchased a crib, stroller, carseat, play pen, and high chair. Then things didn’t pan out financially, so we chose to put it off. We hadn’t brought up having another child until last year. We were financially stable, our marriage is the strongest and most amazing place it’s ever been and we knew we wanted to expand our ‘little’ family.
This time I decided that I was going to educate myself and know my rights as a mother who wanted to have a VBA2C’s. The numbers are not so astounding anymore. Hell, women are planning c-sections to ‘fit their schedules’, etc. It just blows my mind! I am not saying that these women are wrong, they are their own person and their choices do not affect mine. I just don’t agree with them. People think I am crazy for wanting a vaginal birth. And that’s okay.
I found a great doctor. The only doctor on the coast that even allows his patients to deliver VBAC! He’s really great! However… The hospital in which he delivers has their own restrictions and guidelines. They don’t allow VBA2C’s. We had discussed this at my first appointment. I knew that my chances were slim to none. But he gave me hope. He told me he would do his damndest to give me the birth that I longed for, provided my safety was first priority.
Fast forward to last weeks appointment… I was informed that baby was measuring large, I had a lot of amniotic fluid and baby’s renal tubes were dilated. These things were going to push up my c-section date. I got the phone call this morning that our new delivery date is February 11th. and the hospital has informed my doctor that under no circumstance is he to allow me a vaginal birth. Unless I come in with a baby crowning, I have zero chance of experiencing a ‘real’ birth.
I have done nothing but cry. I feel as though I’m missing out on an amazing thing like I’m losing that ‘right of passage’ that every mother should get to experience. I know that the result is the same. The baby we wanted so badly will be in our arms and we will become parents once again. I’ve heard every fucking response. “The result is the same.” “Recovery is a breeze.” “You won’t have to work so hard.” “You get to have people cater to you because you just had major abdominal surgery.” “It’s not that big of a deal.” “You could die if your incision ruptured during labor.” “Your doctor knows best.” I fucking get it! I don’t want to hear them anymore. You just don’t understand until you’re wearing those shoes. Nothing anyone says will make me feel better about the situation.
I thought I had prepared myself for this situation if it were to arise… I was wrong. I am a complete mess. I feel like… less of a woman in some way. I feel as though I have failed myself. I could totally stay home a free birth, but then what if something goes wrong because I was being so fucking stubborn???
I don’t even know… I just need to breathe and keep on… Going to stuff my face with a tuna sandwich or two and probably some chocolate! Bastards!
So the countdown is now set at 14 days… 14 freaking days until we meet this precious little boy.